There are things I like about working at my daughter's school. But today, I couldn't remember any of them.
The one thing that really drives me CRAZY is the lack of control I have over my day. You go in with a list of tasks and deadlines and a plan on how to get it all accomplished... and people start coming up to you with other things that you need to do RIGHT NOW and before you know it, you've done NOTHING. And you are one day closer to missing your deadline.
It's the same thing that has frustrated me ever since becoming a mother. I have no control, I am just reacting to everyone else's needs, and mine come last.
I am not going to bore you with the details of all the little things that have left me totally stressed out today; describing it to you here would not only take too long but would just frustrate me further. Suffice it to say that I had forgotten how dreadful this time of year is at school. I am busy all the time. And I'm not having fun.
Over the last few weeks, Gareth has noticed that I've been quiet. He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him, "nothing." And that's the truth, because there is nothing that I can put a finger on that is making me quiet. But I think I've been a little bit depressed. Partly because of this lack of control thing. And possibly because I've been too fried at the end of the day to write.
We have friends who throw an annual Halloween party, complete with caterers, bartenders, play leaders for the kids, a magician and a fortune teller. Gareth and I usually sit for our fortune together. But this year, Megan stayed with us and the woman gave her an individual reading. Then she gave Gareth an individual reading. So when that was over, I felt gypped -- I wanted one, too.
But her reading for me was basically a continuation of the reading she gave him. His reading was about his career. And her reading for me was about how I felt about his career. Like there was nothing in my future except his future. And even though I don't REALLY believe in this stuff, I keep thinking about that and feeling a little pissed off about it.
Although I love my husband and my daughter and having a family -- it's not enough. If we didn't need the tiny bit of extra money the "part time" job provides, I wouldn't be doing it. I love the school, I love the people who work here - but I'm not too crazy about the job. Or the fact that I'm paid even less than those human billboards who wave arrows on the street corners. (I saw a help wanted ad for them recently, and I'm sorry to say it was tempting.) Sometimes, I feel like this blog is the only thing I do for myself. And I really hate it when I can't find the time for it.
