Blogging for Books Again

Once again, I've entered the Zero Boss's Blogging for Books competition. This month's challenge:

For Blogging for Books #9, write a blog post about any incident in your life in the style of your favorite author. The author can specialize in either fiction or nonfiction, and can even be another blogger.

Well this poses a problem. I used to be an insatiable reader. This was before I met my high maintenance husband (who expects me to PAY ATTENTION TO HIM, for goodness sake!) and had my high maintenance daughter and began my high maintenance lifestyle (you know, when I'm not paying attention to my family I need to do things like keep house and earn my keep).

We are taking a cruise this summer with my parents, sister and her family, and you know what I'm looking forward to? The ship's library -- and the fact that my daughter has three cousins to play with, my husband has my brother-in-law... and I might be able to indulge myself with a good novel. (However: If I were to WIN a book for my post this month, I would have to inform my family that I just HAVE to read it. Hint Hint)

Last year, I did manage to read several non-fiction books of the political variety -- but I couldn't put my finger on a distinct style. And aside from that, I'm afraid my reading has been limited to periodicals.

I toyed with the idea of trying my hand at some Bad Hemingway -- but writing really good bad Hemingway is hard, and I didn't want to spend too much time on this. And the idea of attempting an imitation of my other old favorites was way too daunting.

So I went with the cheap and easy way out:  I have decided to imitate my favorite fictional author: Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex and the City." (Yes, I know she's based on Candace Bushnell. But since I've never read the book the series was based on, Carrie Bradshaw it is. And yes, I know I haven't strictly adhered to the rules, so I may be disqualified... so be it.)

FADE IN: INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAWN. Donna is asleep in the bed. The alarm rings.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	They say that suburban moms are masters of multi-tasking.
Donna hits the alarm and groans.
			CUT TO:
MONTAGE: DONNA PERFORMS ACTS DESCRIBED IN THE FOLLOWING SPEECH.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	How else do they manage to rouse their kids, help them dress, make their breakfasts, pack their lunches, comb their hair, throw in a load of laundry, feed the cat, do the dishes…
WHILE DOING THE DISHES (LEFT OVER FROM PREVIOUS EVENING), A WINE GLASS SLIPS OUT OF HER HAND AND BREAKS.
	DONNA (yelling)
	Don't come in the kitchen in your bare feet! I just broke a glass!
	DONNA (V.O.)
	…clean the house…
SHE SWEEPS UP THE MESS AND FINISHES UP WITH THE VACUUM CLEANER, WHICH SPARKS AND SMOKES WHEN SHE TURNS IT ON.
	Donna (to herself)
	Shit.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	…take out the trash...
MONTAGE CONTINUES: SHE CARRIES THE VACUUM OUT TO THE GARAGE.
			CUT TO:
EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY We see Donna's beat-up 1996 Saturn SL cruising slowly along the street, which is jammed with SUV's and minivans, many of which are double-parked.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	…and drive the kids to school - all in the space of one hour?
Donna pulls up next to a huge Ford Excursion that is parked in the crosswalk.
	DONNA
	This is not a parking place, you stupid cow!
	MEGAN (as they drive up)
	Mommy, you used the "S-word."

	DONNA (V.O.)
	In our house, "stupid" is considered a bad word. I've tried to teach my daughter that no word is "bad," it's just how you use it.  (beat) I'm just proud of myself for saying "cow" instead of what I wanted to call her…
	DONNA
	I'm sorry, Baby. Anyway, she couldn't hear me. The window's shut.
			CUT TO:
Donna finally finds a parking space a block and a half away. She jumps out of the car and quickly opens the backdoor where Megan is sitting. We see that Donna is still wearing her pajamas.
	DONNA
	Hurry up, Megan.
	MEGAN
	You said we were on time.
	DONNA
	We are. But I want to find that woman again so I can yell at her for endangering you and the rest of the kids.
By now they are at the school entrance. The Excursion is gone.
			CUT TO:
INT. STARBUCKS - A FEW MINUTES LATER - DAY.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	I'm usually too rushed to stay for coffee with the girls. But I was having one of those days…
The Girls are already seated in the comfy chairs when Donna enters and moves directly to the end of the coffee line.
	SALLY
	I see you dressed up for us.
Sally is also still wearing her pajamas - and fuzzy slippers, as well.
	DONNA
	That's because you're special. (To the cashier) A Grande Americano, please.
Donna pulls up a non-comfy chair and joins The Girls.

	GINA
	Are you still doing South Beach? You really look like you lost weight.
	DONNA
	What I wouldn't give for a Caramel Macchiato right now. With a shot of Kahlua. (brightening) Can you really tell?
	SALLY
	Oh, just shut up and drink your coffee.
	ELAINE
	Well, when you're ready to buy new clothes, I just found a fabulous new reseller on Ventura. They get all the designer stuff from the studios that the stars don't want - they're barely worn and just a fraction of the price.
	DONNA
	That sounds nice - but right now I need to come up with the cash for a new vacuum.
	SALLY
	Wanna go to Costco? We can get some new clothes and find you a vacuum, too.
	DONNA
	I'll check them out. But I think I should get a different make. I'm tired of replacing it every couple of years. What do you guys use?
	GINA
	Oh, you have to get the Dyson. It's amazing.
	DONNA
	Isn't that the one with the guy who's all obsessed with "suction?"
	ELAINE
	What man isn't?
The Girls laugh.
	ELAINE (cont'd)
	The one you have to get is a Miele. I love mine even more than my vibrator. And it's much quieter.
	GINA
	I thought you had a cleaning lady.
	ELAINE
	Flora only comes twice a week…
	DONNA
	Not as often as you do.
	ELAINE
	That's for darn sure. But my point is, I use it, too. Because it makes vacuuming fun.
	DONNA
	That sounds like some appliance.

	SALLY
	Don't those things cost about a thousand dollars?
	ELAINE
	If you want quality, you have to pay for it. These machines last forever. Besides, how much money have you shelled out on cheap vacuums over the last ten years?
	SALLY
	Nothing. Because every year, I take mine back to Costco and exchange it for a new one.
	DONNA
	You're kidding.
	SALLY
	They take everything back. No questions asked. I've even returned things I didn't buy there.
	GINA
	But Sally, that's dishonest.
	SALLY (to Donna)
	So what did you do with your vacuum?
	DONNA
	It's in the garage.
	SALLY
	Are you saving it?
	DONNA
	I was going to give it to Goodwill.
	SALLY
	Maybe I can fix it…
			CUT TO:
INT. DONNA'S LIVING ROOM - LATE AT NIGHT Donna is sitting on her couch, with her notebook computer on her lap. The television is on (yes, she's watching an old episode of "Sex and the City."). She is typing in her blog.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	Do I have time to shop for a new vacuum? My guest room floor is covered with paper left over from working on the taxes last week, I have bills that need paying and an editing job hanging over my head. But the house also needs to be cleaned. There are so many times when I have to choose between saving money or saving time. When it comes to that, I think…
INSERT COMPUTER SCREEN We see the words typed as Donna says them.
	DONNA (V.O.) (cont'd)
	…the best things in life are those that make it easy for me.
			DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ELAINE'S HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER - DAY. Donna and Elaine are drinking tea in Elaine's beautifully appointed dining room. FLORA, her cleaning lady, is working in the kitchen.
	DONNA
	…So I can't decide. Gina showed me her Dyson, but other than the wild color, I didn't see a whole lot of difference between that one and my series of Hoovers.

	ELAINE
	Flora, would you do me a favor? My friend is shopping for a new vacuum, and she can't make a decision.
	FLORA
	All my ladies use the Miele.
	ELAINE
	That's true. When I brought it home and tried to show her how to use it, she laughed at me.
	FLORA
	I've been laughing at her for years.
As if to prove it, she laughs.
	Here. Let me show you.
Flora brings out the vacuum, a gleaming platinum model with a digital display.
	DONNA
	Wow. It's beautiful.
	ELAINE
	The design is so admired, they have one in the Museum of Modern Art.
	FLORA (demonstrating)
	The cord pulls out from here and automatically retracts when you press here.
She presses a button with her foot.
	DONNA
	I like that.
	FLORA
	Your accessories are stored here…
She flips open the top to show the accessories neatly stored inside the canister.
	FLORA
	…and the HEPA filter is here. You change that once a year.

	ELAINE
	They send you a postcard.
	FLORA
	You make the arm bigger by pressing here.
She shows how to expand the vacuum's telescopic wand.
	ELAINE
	You know what that reminds me of…
	DONNA
	Let's not go there.
	FLORA
	The motor is very powerful, but you can tone it down for use on area rugs or delicate surfaces.
As she demonstrates, the digital readout changes from 1200 down to 200.
	ELAINE
	The rubber bumper all around protects your furniture, the wheels and hose rotate 360 degrees and the parquet brush is gentle on hardwood floors.
	FLORA
	Do you want to try it?
	DONNA
	Yes. Yes!
Donna takes the wand.
	FLORA
	Turn it on by stepping on the pedal there.
	DONNA
	It's so quiet!
	ELAINE
	You're having fun, aren't you?

	DONNA
	Weirdly so.
She turns the cleaner off. The tea kettle whistles and Elaine attends to it in the kitchen.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	I had vacuum lust, but no way to satisfy it. The Dyson would be a hard sell to Gareth. There is no way he'd agree to buy a vacuum that cost more than his computer.
	FLORA (whispers)
	They make cheaper models… and they're just as good.
	DONNA (whispers)
	How cheap?
	FLORA
	Lots. I bought one myself.
Elaine returns with two cups of tea.
	ELAINE
	You should make a romantic evening for Gareth tonight. If he's at all like Roy, after a little nookie, he'll agree to anything.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	That wasn't a bad idea.
			DISSOLVE TO:
INT. COSTCO - THAT AFTERNOON - DAY.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	While I was out buying champagne and candles, Sally was doing a little shopping, too…
Sally is in the customer service line, with her two kids in tow. She is holding Donna's discarded vacuum.
	CUSTOMER SERVICE REP
	We're sorry your vacuum broke, Mrs. Larson. Just let me look up your membership record. May I have your card?
Sally hands it to her. She swipes it into a card reader.
	Hm, that's interesting.

	SALLY
	What?
	CUSTOMER SERVICE REP
	According to this, you returned a similar model just six months ago. And another one the year before.
	SALLY
	So you can understand how outraged I am by this. I have decided I don't want another Hoover. I'd like to exchange this for a Dyson.
	CUSTOMER SERVICE REP
	You've exchanged a vacuum cleaner every eighteen months for the last five years.
The rep takes out a huge pair of shears and cuts her Costco card in half.
	SALLY
	Wait! What are you doing? You can't do this to me!
	CUSTOMER SERVICE REP
	Good-bye, Mrs. Larson.
			DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MEGAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. Gareth and Donna have just tucked their daughter into bed.
	DONNA
	Go to sleep, baby.
INT. DONNA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT. They sit on the couch. Gareth reaches for the remote. Donna grabs it from him.
	DONNA
	I don't feel like watching TV tonight…
It takes Gareth a beat to understand what she means.
	GARETH
	Ohhhh…
They kiss.
			SLOW DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DONNA'S LIVING ROOM - MUCH LATER - NIGHT. Donna is writing in her blog.
	DONNA (V.O.)
	And that's how I got my beautiful new vacuum. It's more than I ever paid for one before, but you know what they say about quality… and it'll last forever.
			FADE TO BLACK

---

Disclaimer:

All of the characters depicted above are fictional (with the exception of that idiot in the Excursion who insists on parking in the red zone every frickin' morning. I did buy a new vacuum a couple of months ago. One of my friends does indeed exchange her vacuum every year at Costco. As far as I know, she has not been busted. And the Miele does appear to be the choice of the cleaning ladies working south of Ventura Boulevard.

Comments

[Sarah]

Thats such a good idea - Lol If I wrote a blog entry in the style of my favorite author it would have to be Jackie Collins or Tolikien. So it would be a strange post lol.

[Ella]

This is a great story.

Not only that, but I've learnt a great deal about vacuum cleaners! Entertaining and informative - great stuff!

[Michele]

Donna -

That was clever! "The Sex and The City" girls might have provacative lives - but I bet they don't know a thing about vacuums.

[Jen]

Heh heh, I laughed again today when I read it.

And I LOVE the disclaimer at the end.

[Vera]

Hehe. This is great. I hope you place for one of the books!

[Angel]

LOVED it!!! Good luck! (And I have to say that Dyson is *the bomb* where vacuums are concerned lol)

I've never watched SITC, but this reminded me alot of Desperate Housewives. You're quite talented!

[Laurie]

I haven't read the whole thing, yet. Just wanted to say hi! I'll be back to finish it later.

[Gina]

Love it! You put me to shame...

[Lilly]

Fantastic entry in Blogging for Books! And just so you know, Carrie Bradshaw's voice is the same as Candace Bushnell, at least in those books. You really channelled her!