Last BlogHer Post. For a While. I Swear.

Yesterday was actually fairly productive. I finished my proofreading project, made progress on my website update... and turned my attention to implementing some of the items on my BlogHer To Do List.

I signed up for del.icio.us. I still can't figure out how to use it and how it's going to help me (as I was live blogging Politics Grows Up during the Advanced Tools session where it was demonstrated).

But I was a lot more successful with Flickr, which is pretty straightforward. Have not had a chance to really delve into it - but I uploaded my BlogHer photos and tagged them, and you can view them here. (Although I tagged them all blogher, as of this writing they are not showing up in that category because I'm new and the Flickr people need to review the uploads of all the newbies to make sure they're not uploading inappropriate or copyrighted material. But I think if you click on the link, you'll be able to see them.)

And while I was at it, I gave this blog itself a face lift. Thanks to all of you who commented on the new look -- I'm afraid that graphic design is NOT one of my fortes and this is just one of Typepad's new built-in themes. But I did come up with the new tagline -- inspired by some of the discussion and blog and media coverage. And dedicated to the lovely Meghan, Jenn and Jenny.

Finally, I'm going to get a little bit naked by sharing with you some of the thoughts on my to do list, which I wrote out (in LONGHAND) while Megan was getting her ya-ya's out for four hours at Skateland on Monday. Although rather than being naked, I am afraid it's more like word vomit (another great term I picked up, from the Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez book I bought at the conference.)

Technorati tags: dailyblogher, blogher, bloghercon

1. I need to strive for more of my "real" voice.

I almost didn't attend the "profanity" panel, because I've had to remove four-letter words from my everyday speech (as once I became a mom, EVERYONE in my family started complaining about me and no one wants to be the mother of that three-year-old who tells someone that something is "shitty." Or "fucked"). So trying not to say the words has meant not writing them, too.

Unfortunately, I have not been all that successful at cleaning up my language (because I still think those "forbidden words" all the time - often muttering them under my breath). And God knows they slip out, especially when I'm dealing with some crazy-ass driver who is tailgating me or cutting me off. And who is usually in the car when I erupt? You guessed it. My daughter knows the words, and she's learned them from me.

At the same time, I don't think there's any such thing as a "bad word," just ones that are inappropriate in most situations. So even if I've taught my daughter some of the more colorful phrases in the English language, I have also taught her that they are not appropriate to use -- especially by minor children. And she gets that. I'm pretty sure.

As for this blog, if my goal here is to stretch myself as a writer, I shouldn't shy away from using all the tools available to me, even if some of those might be words that might offend my family, who read this thing.

I'm reminded of the openng scene of "Four Weddings and Funeral," written by one of my comedy idols, Richard Curtis. You may recall that in the opening sequence, Charles (played by Hugh Grant) oversleeps and is late for the first wedding. You then see a comic montage of him and Scarlett doing all they can to get to the church on time.

If you saw this movie in the theater when it first came out, this montage was accompanied by the sound of Charles saying "the F-word" repeatedly over the sequence. And it was hysterical.

When this movie made it to television, "Fuck" was replaced by "Bugger." I don't know - this may be just as profane in the UK, but it's sort of meaningless in the States. And it's definitely not as funny. I mean, the F-word is funny. And I said as much to Meghan and Jenny, who seemed surprised that some of the media had glommed on to the use of it in their "mommy blogs."

Then again, there's a lot to be said for finding creative ways to express an idea without using profanity as a crutch. It's just that I have a feeling I'm not that creative. So maybe I'll continue as I have -- but not shy away from using it when it feels appropriate.

2. While we're on the subject of goals for this blog, I should probably define some.

Let me see:

• An instrument for self growth
• Tool for problem solving
• Platform to speak my mind (after I've worked out points 1 and 2)
• A means for making new friends (what BlogHer referred to as networking and community)
• Hopefully, providing some entertainment - both to me and my 10 readers - while I'm at it.

I began this thing as a record of our December 2003 visit to the UK. And while I've continued to document our various travels (and have developed a vague desire to pursue a career writing about travel -- thanks to your encouragement, Grace and Jen), I don't leave town often enough to generate daily or even monthly travel material.

3. I want to take this thing to a higher level.

I really started to get serious about my little blog about a year ago, when an independent filmmaker (who also happens to be a mom who blogs) emailed me with an invitation to work on a TV project based on Andi Buchanan's book, "Mother Shock."

While I wasn't surprised when the project was put on hold (having experienced plenty of disappointments during my sojourn in Hollywood), just being asked to join the party impacted me in such a positive way, beginning with the thrill of being validated by someone who apparently liked what I was writing (because I'm always quick to conclude that my stuff is crap). I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt to be thinking like a scriptwriter again. If you had met me 20 years ago -- pre-husband, pre-child -- you would have met a woman who lived and breathed the entertainment industry and was focused on succeeding there. What happened? Life, I guess. And the realization that as I was getting older, I couldn't keep beating my head against the wall trying to force my way through. I needed security. I needed health insurance. And I didn't want to end my life alone with no family because I was too busy trying to succeed in Hollywood to make the time to have one.

That group included some amazing women, who I got to know through the email list set up to work on the project and through their own blogs. Women like Jenn Satterwhite (who - Yes! I got to meet at BlogHer!), Kim Voynar (who I am still awed by) and Lizzy Thompson (who I absolutely love). And from there, I followed their links to those of dozens of other men and women who I feel an online connection with through their writing... culminating in the BlogHer experience I just had, where I actually got to meet some of these individuals.

And I hunger for more. Working on the Mother Shock project last year not only inspired me to become a more serious blogger, it awakened a part of me I thought had died; the one who believed she could make her dreams come true through hard work and talent. I don't know when that person died -- probably around the time I turned 40 and knew the gates to success in Hollywood were forever closed. I wasn't all that unhappy -- after all, I was the proud mother of a beautiful baby, and married to a wonderful man who loves me, which was the realization of another dream I'd feared would never come to be.

Unfortunately, Inever dreamed that I'd be just a mom, or that motherhood in itself would be enough for me. I'm greedy. I want so much more. I always thought I'd be so much more. And I've spent the last nine years feeling profoundly disappointed that this is all there is.

I think there is more; another chapter. Last year, I was determined to use this blog to figure out what that will be. And if I haven't found it yet, I think that may be due to the constant distraction of life. I can't focus on any one thing long enough to understand which direction to turn. And given the reality of the different roles I play -- mother, wife, online entrepreneur (not a very good one), PTA officer, school employee... and at the very bottom of the list, a writer... it's no wonder.

I need to move writing to a higher point in the list.

"If that was easy, everyone would do it," as one of my successful TV writer friends once told me.

The other demands on my time are not going to go away, so I think what I need to do now is force the issue. Which brings me back again to the Mother Shock project (I guess I never properly mourned the end of this! I keep coming back to it.) As long as there was a tangible project with a deadlne (and the promise of possible monetary compensation), I had fewer problems negotiating writing time with my family -- and myself.

This is why I have resolved to find a writing course to take - or at the very least, a writers' group to join. I am thinking again of Mother Shock, because more than the idea of a writing credit (which was a very powerful idea living here in L.A. where everyone wants to know your credits), I think what I miss most is the support of the other women in the group, which was enormously invigorating when we were all actively involved in the project.

Of course, the danger to joining a group is my tendency to compare myself (negatively) with others. And an inability to handle criticism, even when it is offered in the most gentle manner. So I will need to start working again on building a thicker skin and just do it.

OK, they must have served the pizza at the skating party at this point, because that's all I've got. Word vomit -- perhaps. But also the beginning of a roadmap to my next destination. I hope.

Comments

[Amy]

I was just so busted when my five year old received a "sad face" at school for using the "F-word". We grounded him from TV to make him realize the severity of using words that I don't feel are bad in inappropriate settings (school) but also made a pact with him that we would stop using them as much as we do. I'm sure he'll just use more caution in the future so that the teachers dono't hear (or I hope so anyway) because that's sure what I did... Thanks for the TODO list. I can totally relate. I've only been blogging for three months, but I am totally hooked and ready to ramp it up!! I'll definitely stay tuned with your progress!!

[Paula]

I use profanity all the time when not at work. My daughters also use it and know when not to. IMO it's no big deal at all.

[meghan]

Hi Donna,

I can't wait to meet your alter ego. The one who curses!

I really like the original Donna too. Double trouble I say!

[Lorna]

Just defining your goals is a great step---they're good ones too. I think you should up the numbers of your readers though. Ten is both depressing and shockingly low, I would think, since I keep running into you on blogrolls over the b-sphere. I deliberately didn't put a counter on my blog because I was afraid and because I didn't want to be driven by that, so I don't think it's important to be read by many---just by people who are interested in hearing about you, and I'm definitely one of them.

[Leila]

My 4 year old and cursing in the car: an L.A. story

You can't really blame this on L.A.; but I was a little tweaked since I'm a stranger there, and was looking for a gas station. When we finally found one (sort of Santa Monica/edge of Venice), it was packed, and I felt stressed out about how to get into the station with so many cars lined up, waiting in line with cars leaving - not enough room. Just as my turn at the pump was up, I saw a man in a mini-pickup nosing his way in front of me. I thought he was going to grab my space! Fuck you, mister! I yelled, plus a couple of other things. Hubbie calmed me down. The guy was just trying to get out of the station.
From the back seat, my 3.5 year old said "fucking mister, ha ha ha ha, fucking mister." Whatever I said, the pre-scooler interpreted it as "fucking mister." Now what am I supposed to do, correct him? And of course, telling him we don't say those words doesn't help - he loves it when I say that!

Trouble is, he thinks mister is a swear word, too. I only say it when I'm irritated with a male driver. When kiddie is testing, he tries out fucking mister, and plain old "mister", to see my reaction. The child has a memory like an elephant and a very strong verbal sense.

My kids don't like darn anymore because I say it when I'm really really mad. Try telling them this is a "better" word - I sound angry so they hate "darn it".

We should all just live in NYC, the way I used to a dozen years ago. My friends in NY swear like sailors, in front of their children too. How did they keep the little ones from saying those words back in the day? I'll email and ask.

[Steph]

I can't swear on my blog.....my whole family and 10 year old son reads it...I may have to get a secret blog where no one knows it's me!!! LOL

[Donna]

Steph: I was surprised at how much heat this issue generated at BlogHer.

I created an anonymous blog for a Blogging for Books post that was a little bit too personal for comfort (i.e., revealing family secrets).

The problem with anonymous blogs when you have already established a public one is that it's hard to go and post on them when you're putting your energy into the "real" one.

At the "Getting Naked" session all three panelists said that the risk of people finding your anonymous blog is just too high. They also spoke of how good it felt for them personally to just let their real selves out on their blogs - and how by doing this, it helped others who were experiencing the same things. (Of course, they cautioned against writing things that would hurt the people they care about, so there is a delicate balancing act going on there. Which is why I blogged that other post anonymously.)

I doubt if a naughty word here or there would hurt your family, especially if it's used in an appropriate manner (and perhaps if you warn your 10-year-old about it - and explain why you used it and it's not a word you want HER to use. The adults can take care of themselves)

[Donna]

Leila: I LOL at "fucking mister."

I wonder what it is about Los Angeles that brings that sort of behavior out in people? :)

NYC - yes, that would be good information for cursing parents who want to know!

Lorna: I love you!

Michele: We started with Captain Underpants, etc. too. The problem is she's going in to 4th grade, and she still wants to read the picture books instead of anything with substance. She loves the HP movies, so I forced her to read the book (which she finally finished this morning. And next week, she starts the next one in the series). I don't want to be hovering over her all summer -- and I do want her to have fun (which, so far she has). I just don't want her to start school in September and find she can't keep up with the reading.

[Lizzie]

Wow....what a list! You've outlined so many things that I should be thinking about, too.

I love visiting your blog, because I always feel as if I'm nodding my head and totally relating to most everything your blogging about.

I don't think you have to look far, to find your voice.

There's some pretty decent shit going on, right here!

Ooops...I used a potty word ;o)

[badgerbag]

I swear all the time and Moomin doesn't at all other than "darn it." But we did have a discussion (centered on "Captain Underpants" books) about why it would be disruptive, rude, and Not Funny to go around talking about Professor Poopypants while in school. Here's hoping it doesn't become a problem! I mean, he's totally busted me showing my underwear to people parties, so I don't have a leg to stand on.

Everything you said about writing & life in general is so right on. I know what you mean about making it more of a priority & career, you sure aren't alone... It's not like you just become a writer magically out of nowhere but it's surprisingly tough to face people down at some party and answer the question "So what do you do?" with "I'm a writer." Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to try saying that for a little while. I mean, what outside validation does one need to say it? None. just doing it and believing it... Does that make me sound like a total crystal-worshipping California chick, or what?