Life Beyond Gymnastics

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about my daughter's announcement that she wanted to quit gymnastics. At the time, I'd hoped it was a passing folly; a brief adolescent cry for independence.

This week, she made it clear that she was serious about leaving the sport that has consumed her and our family for the last several years. We gave notice on Thursday that she was quitting her team, and I wrote about it here.

I've been getting a lot of comments on that post (both at LA Moms Blog and 50-Something Moms Blog, where I re-posted it). Most are like this one I received from my friend, "Cynematic:

"I really have to say, that's amazing that you're rolling with it with such equanimity. Kudos to you for giving your daughter the space to make choices about her life, and letting us know it's not as easy as it looks."

If only that was true.

When it was apparent that her decision was final, she accused me of being mad at her, and I denied it – but I was.

I was pissed off that now I had to figure out what to do with her for the summer. And I was pissed off that a gymnastics scholarship – while I knew it was something I shouldn’t count on – was no longer even a possibility. And I was pissed off that my dream of watching her achieve her dream of gymnastics glory had died… even though her goals had probably changed a long time ago.

Most of all, I was pissed off that we were losing such a big part of our life that had become comfortable and now everything is just so uncertain – at a time when I really need to cling to what little stability I have. (Having my house all messed up has done a big emotional number on me.)

I gave notice to the gym on Thursday and started to cry – and I am still breaking out in sobs at times.

It was helpful to hear from other moms that they felt the same way when their kids lost their passion for things that had previously “defined” them. Soccer, dance, music…  Kids turn 12 or 13 and everything changes. (One of the moms at our Open House Thursday told me that she’s still upset her daughter stopped piano lessons – and that was two years ago.)

I’m disturbed that so much of my own ego had been tied up in her accomplishments. I’ve tried hard to stay back and let her do her thing, but parental involvement is necessary when a kid commits to a sport like this – and then it’s hard to keep your own stuff out of the way. So I also feel guilty.

And I’ve been passive-aggressive with her, starting a lot of sentences with “Now that you’re not in gym, you have time for [household chores, continuing Hebrew school, coming with me to Costco, etc. ] so I feel guilty about that, too.

But we’re moving on. I sent off the check for tennis camp and have learned that quite a number of kids she knows will be there, too. We’re shopping for running shoes today (I am praying she chooses tennis over track because I cannot think of anything more boring than sitting through a track meet). Her father (who played tennis in college) is delighted to be taking her shopping for a better racquet this weekend.

And I’m contacting friends she hasn’t seen in a while to set up get-togethers (they are too old for “playdates,” but that’s the idea).

And I’m looking at the bright side: I'm hopeful that whatever she chooses will cost us less than the $7,000 per year we’ve been spending on gym.

Comments

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawn-BGKOlYeW2eMpEk6X3I9D-2gf9qiGoIc]

Karoli here. I see the Google ID is still a mishmash.

Obviously, I missed a huge story here. HUGE. And I completely understand and feel your pain. When Sticks quit dancing I was devastated, even though I knew that drums were his first love and there was no way for him to do both.

This is the age, my friend. They quit looking through their rose-colored glasses, realize they're missing the good times with their friends at school, and aren't willing to make the commitment for fame and glory that has to be made. You're lucky in some ways that she chose to quit outright. The slow trickle away from dance for us has been excruciating, despite Ms. Dancer's enjoyment of a broader social life and wider scope of dance lessons through the school dance program.

Heave a sigh of relief about being out from under the financial piece of gymnastics, and you'll find her interests blossom into areas you didn't imagine.

Oh, and remember...every single good time that you had with gymnastics, every moment that you spent driving, and working out homework, and watching competitions, and bragging on her? Those moments are concrete-solid for her, too, and they build the foundation for a great relationship with her in the future.

It's hard to remember that our job is to raise them to make their own decisions in a wise and reasoned fashion, and that means not interfering when they make ones we don't like. You're doing a great job so far, even if you're sad over it? Why wouldn't you be sad? You've just been yanked from a routine, a culture and a mindset that took years to form. It's going to be a little bit before you move on from that, but at the same time, your respect and trust in her decision will come back to bless you both many times over.

[Florinda]

I'm echoing the last paragraph of Karoli's comment, but in addition...

Maybe if you hadn't been caught off-guard when she first mentioned quitting just a few weeks ago, this might be an easier transition - and it IS one, for both of you. As you've said, her involvement in gymnastics at this level has been a family thing, and a lot of your lives have been built around it. But in my experience - and I'm on my second teen now - this is how it happens. As Karoli noted, it's the age.

But it will give BOTH of you time for other things. Also, you've mentioned money issues here before - better she should CHOOSE to quit than be forced to because it became unaffordable for your family, in my opinion.

I can relate, though...I regretted when my son gave up playing the trumpet more than he did. He was losing interest anyway because he didn't make the varsity band, and he didn't want to spread himself too thin, so he quit...to run track. I know exactly what you mean about watching meets :-). Bring a good book.

[Jennifer916]

Hey, maybe she can take up horseback riding and showing. That's a nice expensive sport!

I think after you've had time to adjust, you'll come to really enjoy the freedom of time it's going to give you when you don't need to spend so much time at the gym. This parenting is hard stuff, but at least you're doing it in a thoughtful manner, rather than in the style of a dictator.

[Comfort Addict]

I'm sorry about the disorder that your daughter's change of heart has caused. I imagine that the suddenness of the decision must have been a shock. Youth is about exploring, though, and finding a passion. I wish your daughter luck in her search and wish you strength as you witness and enable it.

[April McCaffery]

This motherhood thing ain't easy. We sacrifice so much and their dreams become our dreams, and then we're not supposed to take it personally when everything changes! So many things that I didn't understand about my mother have become crystal clear these past few years.

[FRECTIS]

I really hope you are able to move past this because I am living proof that having a mother caught up in the hopes and unrealistic dreams she had for her gymnast daughter makes for a really screwed up adult relationship with her.

[Donna]

Hey, Frectis - I think I have moved past this, as well as the blues I was experiencing last week. My daughter's decision wasn't timed well for me personally... Yeah, as much as I tried, I couldn't help but fantasize a little about where she could go with her sport -- mainly because I am the most un-athletic person who ever lived, so I took a lot of pride in her abilities. But I've always known better than to *plan* on that... and I always said that we would do gym for as long as she wanted to. It's always been HER deal, not mine. But after six years, it was a part of the fabric of our family, and quitting means we ALL need to adjust. I felt really cut off and isolated those first two weeks (because the gym and the gym families had become such a large part of my own life.) Not to mention that her timing was really bad -- just before summer and right after we had to deal with emergency home repairs.

Anyway -- I think she and I are good now. These last few weeks of school have been very relaxed; no more rushing off to gym, no need to nag her about her homework (for one thing, she hasn't had much since her algebra finals last week). We're hanging out together; shopping, watching old movies on TV, TALKING... stuff we stopped doing much of when she started getting really involved at gym in third grade.

She does need a higher level of physical activity than she's getting right now, but the break is probably good for her. She spends a lot of time hitting the tennis ball against the side of the house (which is giving me a headache, but that's a minor issue!). I think she's looking forward to the tennis camp. My one big problem now is figuring out what to do with her in August, after tennis ends. She said she'd like to take an art class, so I'll probably start looking into those.

[Michelle Wilgers]

My daughter is 15 (a sophmore) and a good level 10 gymnast. She has already received letters from 5 colleges stating their "interest" in her. She got a boyfriend this summer and spent a lot of time with him. Now school is back in session and her gym schedule is back to 20 hrs. a week which leaves her very little time for the boy or other activities. She announced yesterday that she wanted to quit gymnastics. I am devestated. I came accross your blog and it comforted me some to know that I am not the only one who has dealt with this.

[Donna]

It makes me feel better, too – to know that I’m not alone (or as crazy as I sometimes feel). Your daughter will thrive, of course – and all that gymnastics discipline will help her in whatever she chooses to do with the rest of her academic career. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself as we face my kid’s last year of middle school without our familiar routine. Good luck to you both!

[Mar628]

I'm at the other end of the spectrum. Today my husband & I told our daughter that this was her last day of gymnastics. After weeks of watching her loaf around at practices and clinics, we basically said that we weren't paying for her to go anymore. We can watch other gymnasts for free any time we wanted. Our daughter is 8 1/2. After much screeming and begging for one more chance , on her part, she gave in. We found out that she likes the idea of "being the gymnast", it was who she was and it was all she'd ever done.... Since the age of two. The problem was that there was nothing we could to motivate her and she wasn't motivating herself. She'll be doing something in the way of sports, but I've very firm that she doesn't have to compete to enjoy a sport. There are many kids out there that play sports for the sheer FUN of it. I know she'll never get the great workout that comes with the gym but our family life will be less stressful.