Empty Nest, Part 2: A Dark Place

Passover began last night and I did nothing.

Between the cooking and the cleaning and the polishing of silver and everything else, a seder is a lot of work. And with the kid out of town, what's the point? My husband isn't Jewish, so it doesn't mean anything to him.

I'm feeling very depressed today. Gareth and I had a lovely weekend hanging out together after we saw Megan off... but yesterday, without the pattern of taking care of her needs, I felt lost.

I can see now that I need to start setting the foundation for the next chapter in my life, because in four or five years, she'll be gone and from Monday through Friday, all I'll have is me. And for some reason, I find that really depressing.

I've been hemming and hawing over the last couple of years over going back into the work force. The reason I've thought about it is financial, but I see now that I may need to do that just for my sanity.

There have been lots of reasons I haven't pursued it: the fact that once I tell a prospective employer that I can't come in until I've dropped my daughter at school and I can't work past the time to pick her up and oh yes, I need to be able to stay home when she's ill, and I have to have weekends off... well, that doesn't leave a lot of choice shifts for me, does it?

Then there's the current economy where jobs are not easy to come by.

Finally - and this is the part that's really painful - I'm not really qualified to do anything. I so envy my friends who left big corporate jobs or who were practicing attorneys or other licensed professionals. I spent 20 years in entertainment trying to be a writer but only succeeding at being an assistant. Back then, my computer skills gave me an edge but now EVERYONE has them... and I'm turning 54 this year.

I think my only option is to apply at Starbucks and I expect even they would reject me. I don't work fast and don't possess great people skills.

I'm in a very dark place today and I know that is coloring my outlook on life. As soon as this mood passes, the world will seem brighter.

Too bad I see the writing on the wall. There are more days like this in my future unless I make some changes in my life. Soon.

Comments

[Jane]

I hear ya....carving a career out of talent and desire is lots harder than going to school to get some degrees that employers want. But checking out all the ads and widgets on your site, I have to say--you've already got a career. You're a writer.

[Yvonne Condes]

Donna! You are qualified to do something. You're an amazing writer and you've built up your blog to become an influential member of the community. I know it looks dark now (I have those days often), but I bet your next chapter will better than you can imagine.