Socal Mom by Donna Schwartz Mills

Email Pass-On: Truths for Mature Adults

I am at the California Women's Conference, but I'm not so busy that I couldn't find time to read this email funny from my sister:

TRUTHS FOR MATURE ADULTS

1. I think part of your very best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history or destroy any Weightwatcher's weigh-in charts if you die.

2. Nothing (almost) is more horrid than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Does anyone really know how to fold a fitted sheet? (I find this one especially ironic, as my sister is the one who gave me a book on housekeeping for my birthday one year... and it had a chapter on this topic!)

6. Was learning cursive handwriting really necessary--or having to memorize the Periodic Chart of the Elements for high school Chemistry?

7.. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make for more interesting stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there come moments, especially when you are retired, and you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.  It was bad enough when I had to trash my eight-tracks.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
 
16. I wish they would come up with a tiny, personal GPS that would tell me for what reason I'm now in the laundry room/pantry for the second time, and I can't remember why.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
 
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" or, "Stop mumbling!" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! I

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.  This is definitely a "Guy Thing!"

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not remember what time it is.
 
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phones, searching for eyeglasses that are pushed up on their heads, but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first (hard) head helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brains could also be important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Email Humor: Things I Didn't Learn in Hebrew School

 An oldie but goodie emailed by my sister (author unknown):

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL:

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. 
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex-wife is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for bowls.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created the shopping mall.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

Jon Stewart vs Cramer

It's been a sobering day.

I spent the morning at the home of Erin Kotecki Vest, where Los Angeles Fire Department Captain Stacy Gerlich showed us what we need to do to prepare for the next big disaster (be it another brush fire or an earthquake).

As I left Erin's home to pick up my daughter, I returned a call from one of my closest friends and learned that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer. It's stage one, so that's in her favor. But as I said, it's been a sobering day, nonetheless.

So I'm in need of some laughs - which I got when I viewed the following from Tuesday's Daily Show:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Basic Cable Personality Clash Skirmish '09

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

The smackdown continues tonight, when Jim Cramer shows up as Jon's guest. After today, I can't wait.

A Little Comic Relief

I'm still functioning in "responsible" mode - watching my weight, cleaning the house, paying the bills... I may even surprise my tax accountant and give her my records on time.

Can you tell it's January?

All this perfection cannot last. I'm not even sure what has prompted it -- I don't make resolutions any longer. I am starting to think that this is a coping mechanism for the dreary economic environment. When things spin out of control, you focus on the things you can actually manage.

And despite the joy I felt last week over the Inauguration (which I still experience every time I hear that President Obama has signed a new bill or has made a new appointment... which has been like, EVERY DAY since he took office -- and isn't THAT refreshing? I mean, this man has a work ethic!) -- it's hard to feel joyful when you're living on significantly less income... and you're not even sure THAT's going to last.

So I was grateful when I received the email I'm reprinting below. The friend who sent it to me is a political conservative whose anxiety about the future is probably not being tempered by happiness over the fresh energy in Washington -- so I think she may have needed to laugh even more:

Some of you may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy...

(Note: Even though there are no swear words, these jokes are NOT politically correct, especially if you are a Jewish feminist. They are definitely of another era... but still funny.)

• There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

• A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

• I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

• She got  a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

• I was just in London- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

• The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

• The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!

• "Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

• A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know, you're the one who's working".

• Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

• Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

• I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

• The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

• There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In the Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers ?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

• A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" The mother answered. "Not too good. "I've been very weak" The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" "Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call"

• A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark . I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

• Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us; we won; let's eat.

• Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Confessions of a Comedy Geek

Most of the people who come here are aware that I was a production assistant on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show while aspiring to write for television myself.

Of course you know that, because I never stop reminding folks, lest you all think I've always been the 50-Something suburban gymnastics mom you see today. I really was a capable and accomplished young person once, and I may even have been borderline cool.

I think that's why I had SO MUCH FUN at last week's PBS showcase for television critics. For one thing, I ALWAYS enjoy it when my silly little blog is treated with the same respect shown for "real" (traditional) media. But TWO of the presentations dealt with comedy and comedians... and once a comedy geek, always a comedy geek. So I hung on every word spoken by veteran stand-ups Lewis Black and Richard Belzer as they talked about George Carlin and what made his work so extraordinary.

Carlin's daughter Kelly was also on hand to help promote the network's broadcast of the Kennedy Center's tribute to him as recipient of this year's Mark Twain Award (set to air February 4th).

The discussion reminded me of my days on the Carson show (I was the writers' assistant), when the guys would parse jokes and sometimes get into heated (and somewhat academic) discussions about what constitutes "funny."

I became even more nostalgic later that afternoon, when Amy Sedaris took the stage to talk about "Make 'Em Laugh," a six-part series tracing the history of comedy in America, from the turn of the 20th Century. Amy narrates the series, which debuts tonight and is hosted by Billy Crystal. Each episode deals with a different aspect of funny business.

I've seen five of the six episodes already (thanks to the DVD review copy the PBS folks gave all in attendance - like I said, "treated with respect"!) - and the entire series is comedy geek heaven. 

Tonight's program consists of two episodes:

1: "Would Ya Hit a Guy with Glasses?"

Subtitled "Nerds, Jerks & Oddballs," the hour features clips from silent comic Harold Lloyd to Woody Allen, Phyllis Diller, Jonathan Winters to Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Cheech & Chong and Andy Kaufman through to stars of today, like Steve Carell and Seth Rogen. But it's the commentary from admirers like Judd Apatow, Michael McKean, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock that put it all into context.

I love that they went to Bob Hope's comedy writers (Harold Kanter and Larry Gelbart) to talk about the evolution of Hope's material. Of course, the man isn't around to do new interviews, so all that's left are his writers! Still, it's always nice when someone reminds the public that while comics are naturally funny and witty people, most are usually supported by an army of writers.

Most illuminating for me is the focus on how difficult it was in the 50's and 60's for females who aspired to be comics: Jean Carroll, Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers and Lily Tomlin are all represented, and they talk frankly about how difficult it was for women to step out of the accepted role of housewife and mother.

Back then, it helped to be unattractive, which Phyllis Diller says was part of her initial success. People (men) had a hard time surrendering to a female commanding the stage.

I think a documentary on female comedians would be a fabulous follow-up to this series.

The second hour of tonight's program is "Honey, I'm Home!" (Subtitled "Breadwinners and Homemakers"). This is an excellent history of the American situation comedy - from The Goldbergs (which is so old even I'd never seen it before!) to the Simpsons. It's got as many clips, interviews and analyses as the first episode -- and is just as interesting. And funny.

The entire series is wonderful relief from the reruns and reality dreck the commercial networks are feeding us this month -- not to mention the fact that the world seems to be crumbling down around us. I don't know about you, but I don't think I will get through the next two years without my fix of The Daily Show and SNL.  (Alas, you will have to wait a couple of weeks to see those shows covered in the final episode on satire and parody. It's called "Sock it to ME?" - and if you're as old as I am, that phrase will mean something to you.)

As the old saying goes, "Laughter is Medicine."

And if you're a comedy geek like me, you'll love it.

Hey! I'm giving away a Superbowl Party pack (valued at $250) over at SoCal Stuff. Find out what's in the pack and how to win it here.