As some of you know, I recently lost a significant amount of weight. I am now trying to maintain that loss, and discovering that in some respects, it's harder than losing the pounds in the first place.
Tuesdays are the one night of the week when the whole family is home early; it's the night I actually have time to cook. As I'm still playing catch-up after all the business travel I did the last couple of weeks, I decided to make a turkey stew that is not technically low-calorie, but something I've enjoyed since starting maintenance (without causing any weight gain). The beauty of it is that it only requires me to work in the kitchen for about 30 minutes -- the rest of the time, I just let it simmer while I continue working on projects.
And since my work load right now is so overwhelming, I ended up skipping my time in the gym. Looking back, I think that was a major contributor to yesterday's problems.
Yesterday ended up being one major binge.
I started small. I had a second grande non-fat latte, in the afternoon. An extra 130 calories. No big deal, right?
But then, while cooking the stew, I found myself craving bread. Not just any bread, but this nice loaf of artisanal whole wheat that I'd purchased for the family for their dinner on Sunday. Big mistake.
I've been trying to make friends with carbohydrates again; telling myself that they are not ALL evil, and attempting to find the level I can consume without harming my maintenance. One slice of high fiber, really GOOD bread shouldn't do any harm, don't you think?
The problem was that I wasn't able to stop at the one slice.
This tends to be my issue with carbs. I'm like an alcoholic who thinks just one little drink isn't going to hurt. There are times when that one little bite of pasta sets me up for a lost weekend of major carb loading.
The problem with this particular loaf of bread is that my daughter (who likes that bakery's white bread) balked at the whole wheat loaf on Sunday. My husband liked the bread, but he doesn't have my carb addiction. So by last night, I had a half loaf of this amazing bread (and it truly was! I am taking some small consolation in the fact that I did not sabotage my maintenance with junk calories). Another day, and it was going to go badly stale.
Yes, I know I could have stuck it in the freezer for later consumption, but by this time, all rationality went out the window. I WANTED that bread, even though at that time, I wasn't thinking that I would eat the remaining half loaf by myself.
That came later. After I'd had two servings of the stew, and I was still feeling hungry. After I'd said "yes" when my husband asked me if I wanted a glass of wine (and then said "yes" again when he asked if I was allowed a second serving. Don't get me started on how I feel when my husband questions my food choices).
By this time, that bread was the only thing I could think about, and I made a decision. I was going to finish the loaf -- AFTER my family had gone to bed.
Think about that. Since I started my weight loss program, I've managed to fight most of my cravings by distracting myself. I do something else (like play video games) and they pass. Last night, after dinner, I went back to my work project... but still, all I could think about was that half loaf of bread. And as soon as my family went to bed, I was on that bread like white on rice.
I scarfed it down as fast as I could, lest my husband get up and find me there. And as I ate, I wondered why I was sabotaging myself this way. I wasn't hungry. In fact, I've become so unaccustomed to such a huge amount of carbs that it was making me feel kind of woozy. And yet, I didn't stop until I'd finished every last crumb.
Past carb binges occurred when I was pre-menstrual. That wasn't the case last night. So why was I so out of control?
It was getting late. I turned out the lights and grabbed a pillow, so I could fall asleep on the couch with the TV on. I've been doing that a lot the last couple of weeks. The failing economy has affected my family. My husband works in the housing industry, and while he still has a job, he's worried about what the future holds. A writing contract that provided me with the money for our family's extras wasn't renewed this year. The only thing that keeps me from obsessing about our budget when I go to bed at night is falling asleep in front of the TV.
And that's when I came to the realization that I'm feeling stressed. Skipping gym yesterday didn't help (even though I did that so I could finish a paying project). And I remembered the words of my friends who had lost weight last year only to gain a lot of it back: Stress eating is what killed their maintenance.
Today, I am going to the gym, no matter how inconvenient it is. And I'm back to eating the lousy, low-fat, low-calorie, low-carb, diet clinic food until I lose the two pounds I gained between last week's New Jersey trip and last night's close encounter of the bread kind.
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